Local Revision: Wordiness

I am ready to finalize my project. I have put many hours into it and cannot wait to make the final changes. Editing and revising are very important parts of creating a product and I need to put in the work during the final stage.

Before

In other economic news during this controversy, there seems to be a pattern. All there is to find is one economic blunder, cheat, or failure with very few positive stories. In the local news surrounding this controversy, there were a group of restaurants that were keeping the tax that was paid by customers for their food. Nationally, there is much discussion by the presidential candidates about the growth rate of America’s economy being so low. Other cities are also trying to give their minimum wage workers a raise as well including New York and its governor, Andrew Cuomo. In global news, oil prices are at an all-time low and the leading economy in the world, China, is being accused of not knowing what the next step is.

After

In other economic news, there seems to be a pattern. There seems to only be economic blunders, cheats, or failures with few positive stories. In local news surrounding this controversy, there were restaurants that were keeping the tax paid by customers for their food. Nationally, there are discussions by the presidential candidates about the growth rate of America’s economy being so low. Other cities are also trying to give their wage workers a raise as well including New York. In global news, the leading economy in the world, China, is struggling to grow.

How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?

I believe that this rewritten section is an improvement from the original. The reason that I believe this is because it is more concise and easier to read. The reader still gets what the paragraph is trying to portray but makes it easier to understand without the clutter.

 

Buonvino, Marco. "Revision" 03/15/10. via Flickr
Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Generic License.